In Honor of My Birthday - Top Ten Sucky Experiences In My Life So Far

I have had cancer, am infertile and have been bitten by a poisonous spider, but the following stick out more...

#10 - Have you ever had your nose picked by a professional? I have.

#9 - How about having your bladder filled from the outside - in?  In case you were wondering, it feels cold and it's never awesome when the doctor is your age, the opposite sex, and has to get a little too close.

#8 - "You're bruising my neck meat."  Someone did that to me.  They jabbed a needle in my neck.  In and out and in and out about 15 times in a row.  Then they repeated it.

#7 - Bloody nose cauterization.  Let's say, you go in to chat with the ENT because you have bloody noses that last 45 minutes long and the blood pours out of your mouth and both nostrils.  Since you're there, he decides to do the procedure right then.  Can we talk about this?  I need to mentally prepare.  OK, I guess not.  You pass out.

#6 - Colposcopy and being left in the stirrups while the doctor delivers a baby across the street.  Look up colposcopy and imagine lots of scraping.

#5 - Blood draws from your hand.  I've been fasting and drugged.  I realize my veins aren't ideal, but can you just give me some bacon and juice and wait like a half hour?  That's all I'm asking.  No.  Fine.  Oh, that vein didn't work?  Good thing I have two hands (imagine me doing jazz hands).  How about the time they tried two veins in one elbow, then two veins in the other, and then two veins in one hand and then two veins in the other hand before they finally succeeded?  It's worse than not getting the IV in all the way and the anesthesia burning up your arm.  "It burns us, precious!"

#4 - Random person shaving your private parts.  At least you're unconscious.  But if we both happen to be at Fred Meyer's in the grocery isle , do they recognize me?

#3 - Vaginal ultrasound (a.k.a. having sex without your spouse) - Nobody told me.  I thought it would just be like normal ultrasounds where they put gel on your outsides and they peek at your insides.  They don't do that.

#2 - Pap smear, vaginal ultrasound, man-hand reaching in and poking at an ovarian cyst the sized of a grapefruit and blood draw  - all within 1/2 hour.  Would you like a root canal with that?  Because I'm pretty sure you meant to and just forgot.

#1 - Pooping in tubes.  It's as gross as you think it is.  It's really really really just awful.  But the instructional literature that goes along with it is highly entertaining.  So, there's that.