The "Tit"-anic

In the fall of 1998, I took a class creatively named "Comms 330".  I was encouraged to keep a journal of various advertisements, quotes, funny happenings, etc.  During this time, I remember some guys visiting our apartment.  They had brought their friend, also a guy, who was a little, how should I say, flamboyant and also, a lot in love with The Titanic which had come out (forgive the pun) several months before.  With wrists a-flapping and lisps a-lisping, he expounded everything that was virtuous and lovely about the movie and I groaned and groaned and groaned.  At the time, it was like the worst movie ever made--special effects aside.  And that was before the movie Bicentennial Man hit theaters.  Remember that movie?  Be glad you don't.  After he left, I sat down at my desk and feverishly wrote out the following train of thought review:

"The Titanic.  I wholly, utterly, and without reservation, loathe this movie with all that is earnest, intellectual, and sensible in me. . . Allow me to analyze this movie in a nutshell.  Here it goes.

Some really nice explorers are trying to service all mankind by recovering rare artifacts from the ship Titanic.  They know a very valuable necklace exists and are searching earnestly for it.  They learn of a really old chick who might hold the clue to the lost treasure.  She travels to the sight of the sunken ship at the expense of the explorers and insists on bringing all her belongings including her pet fish which only adds to the expenses not to mention the inconveniences.  Then she makes them all listen to her incredibly useless and boring story of her trip aboard the Titanic which doesn't even remotely help the explorers.  Her story tells how she was a really big brat who was a victim to terrible injustices (she had to marry a rich man who wore eyeliner).  Boo hoo.  She meets a boy who gambles and steals but who saves her from just pretending to commit suicide (she wasn't really going to commit suicide, she just wanted some attention, which she gets).  The two fall in lust and exchange lovely words to each other.  The girl then decides to ditch her family and her commitments and succumb to the gambler (who is really only like 10 years old or looks like it).  They take all the money from the girls fiance, but first the little boy has to draw the girl naked so they can get dirty old men to see the movie based on the fact that there is nudity involved.  The two run all over the ship having adulterous sex and leaving their fingerprints everywhere.  Premarital sex is promoted.  The ship hits an iceberg and goes down and there are really cool special effects.  Eyeliner man chains loverBOY downstairs and stupid girl misses her boat so she cans save her true lust from the chains that bind him.  They run through the boat in wet clothing and then eventually jump off.  They grab on to some friendly wood and wait to be saved in the icy water.  Boy drowns and girl blows a whistle.  She survives and makes it to America with eyeliner guy's necklace.  Girl marries someone else whom she remains married to.  After she tells her long story, she chucks the treasure that the explorers were looking for into the ocean.  They come away with nothing and she dies.  She goes to heaven where she greets little boy and they kiss each other and live in heaven forever even though they are both unrepentant adulterers and should go to hell and never mind the husband she was married to all her life and had children with.  Little boy who she only knew for a week or two is much more deserving...after all, he drew her breasts."